Time “Heals” Everything

Many things have happened since I’ve hit my all time low. So many things. Yet the very nature of depression makes it feel as if all those years were nothing. Day after day of meaningless, repetitive activities. It’s a horrible thing, making you blind to the few good things you’ve had going on for you. It turns you into one mean, badass boss of a pessimist.

It also causes you to make decisions you regret. I have enough regret weighing my shoulders down to last a lifetime. It gets really tiring, so I try not to think about it. Which is why these past few years after I’ve ORD’ed, I’ve been taking up jobs that really eat up all my time.

After all, having no time to myself means having no time to dwell on things, no? It’s not so much a matter of sitting down and thinking things through: I do more than enough of that. It’s just that, it’s so damn hard to not feel empty inside. It’s cliché, but its become cliché because it’s true. It really feels as if my soul has departed and I am whatever that remains.

“Again I have burdened you with an overlong tale. I beg your forgiveness. But what I want to convey to you, Mr Okada, is this: I happened to lose my life at one particular moment in time, and I have gone on living these forty years or more with my life lost. As a person who finds himself in such a position, I have come to think that life is a far more limited thing than those in the midst of its maelstrom realize. The light shines into the act of life for only the briefest moment – perhaps only a matter of seconds. Once it is gone and one has failed to grasp its offered revelation, there is no second chance. One may have to live the rest of one’s life in hopeless depths of loneliness and remorse. In that twilight world, one can no longer look forward to anything. All that such a person holds in his hands is the withered corpse of what should have been.”

-Lieutenant Mamiya in his letter to Toru Okada,
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle written by Haruki Murakami

Having decided not to jump, I figured to give things another shot and go with the flow to see where things take me. Here I am today, five years on, with the weight of the past pressing me down. Looking back, there are so many things I would or would not have done.

But that’s life. There is no turning back. You learn to live with your mistakes – and hopefully learn from them too.

I am fortunate in the sense that I am not as empty as Lieutenant Mamiya. There’s still a chance, I think, of trying to lead some semblance of a life. Its what I mean when I say I have no time for relationships to the people who ask: I’m too busy trying to put my life back together with tape. Besides, my heart is in pieces wherever I left them behind. Maybe I’ll get round to gluing that back together someday. It’s a long task ahead of me.

On the bright side, things look better. Coming to terms with some things and accepting others helps in keeping a person content. I suspect it’s also because 2012 approaches. 2012 is going to be a very important year for me: how my life pans out will be decided here. The prospect of having a checkpoint shows some sort of progress I’m getting, I suppose.

Anyway I’m just nonchalantly typing whatever floats into my head. Makes for a poor post. I actualy scrutinize and edit some of my entries when I feel like it. Cut me some slack for that, yeah?

Joh Mayer. In Repair. Continuum album.

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it’s taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

Oh it’s taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

And now I’m walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it’s taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
Oh, yeah I’m never really ready
Oh, yeah I’m never really ready
I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there
I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there

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